Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm really busy with my period
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