Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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