Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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