I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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