Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
