In the future we'll all be gay
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
