dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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