Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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