I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
