We left an ass print on the piano.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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