Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
did i walk over a car last night?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
