I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
