dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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