She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
