nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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