I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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