checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
