Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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