i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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