marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
