GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
