I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
