I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
