No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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