There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
