I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
