He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
