I think im going to throw up on grandma
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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