you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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