I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
