My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
