The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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