you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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