Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I stole a fireplace last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
