I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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