my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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