You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
