WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
