I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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