I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
