Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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