I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
