So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
