like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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