Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
