You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
