I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
