wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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