i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
