i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
