the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My pussy is not your playground.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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