sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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