First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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