I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
