Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
