Girls should come with a carfax report
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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