is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Michael Bay diarrhea
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize